I performed this ritual on Tuesday the 31st of August. Afterwards I had strong feelings that this ritual set something in motion. No flashes or appearances, but I experienced someone present and a touch of something that is greater than me. It was the loving presence from the Goddess Allatu who told me to accept and embrace my dark side instead of hating it. I discovered a deep fear inside myself that my darker aspects should hinder me to become a priestess. To act "good" in a stiff and unnatural way can cause problems. Dark and light are together like day and night are together and complementary. In the dark earth in winter can seed grow and develop. I felt the presence of the Gods, even now. My initiation and the call of my rebirth were heard between the worlds. It is an oath and a promise that is forever. I feel radiant and my view and senses are widened and much more sensitive. A beautiful experience!
This was an extremely intense ritual experience. It was a very scary sensation to be losing myself and descending into the Underworld. I felt helpless, cold and alone. It is amazing how the imagination truly can place you within a context. With the extinguishing of each candle, I felt a little sense of panic come over me. By the time I began to feel a little more comfortable with each "loss" - each thing I had to give up - I was once again facing increased trepidation. The near-blackness of the room left with only the red candle burning was very effecting. I felt I was actually in another place - far from the safety of my room.
I sat before the candle and meditated. I closed my eyes and heard a voice - the same voice of the Goddess I've heard before - repeating over and over. "There is no death. There is only life. The soul knows no death. Where you think you see death, there is life - perhaps hidden, but it is there. There is always life."
When I opened my eyes, in the glint of the candlelight, there was a tiny bug of some sort, dancing in the shadows on the wall, gleefully, as if to show me that, indeed, even in the places you least expect it, you can find life bustling with energy. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the little bug was gone, as quickly as it had first arrived. An involuntary smile came to my lips and all my fear vanished. The ever-present terror at the prospect of death that I've had since earliest childhood also seemed to begin to fall away. I began to see that death is simply change - it is not an ending by any means.
In the weeks since I enacted the ritual, I have been overwhelmed by how at peace I feel. Ever since I can remember, I have awoken in the middle of the night several times a week in a cold sweat, panicked over the thought that I would die someday and perhaps no longer exist. Since I performed the ritual, I haven't had that feeling once - not even anything remotely like it, whether I was awake or asleep. I'm no longer as terrified of everyday dangers - and I'm no longer afraid for the fate of the people I love.
In many ways this was a difficult, if ultimately worthwhile ritual. During the descent phase I was reminded of a Zen-like meditation I'd tried years ago that involved mentally stripping away the superficial layers of what one thought of as one's identity: "I'm not my clothes. . . I'm not my room. . . I'm not my job. . . I'm not my body". . . etc. The Rite of Rebirth however, took me through some not-so-superficial layers very quickly, and I confess that it was not at all easy to part with such precious gifts, many of which were newly acquired, even in the abstract, even temporarily. Stripped bare, I reluctantly sat before the red candle hoping that the darker aspect of Her presence would reveal itself as a friend, a force of regeneration and release. What I felt was more a deep sorrow than fear, a sorrow that was somehow connected to the sense of my own mortality and that of those I love, to the idea that all the love and beauty of the world that I cherish is entirely ephemeral. (While this idea has lost some of its power over me as my spiritual studies progress, it has roots that run deep are pretty stubborn.) As I meditated, emptying my mind, the single message that came to me was a simple one: "I am here." It was the voice that I knew as Hers, the Bright Lady. As I sat in the dark of the bottom of my mental universe, stripped of so much that I held dear, the Goddess of Light was still with me. She revolved before my mind's eye revealing each of Her faces, in turn, that are dearest to me: Selene. . . Brigid. . . Bastet. . . Isis. . . Hestia. I began my ascent with relief, and emerged exhausted.
The month following the rite has been a challenging one. I seem to be purging all sorts of negative emotions and experiences through unhappy dreams. . . More than ever, as I face life's challenges, Her power message resonated within me: "I am here." As I face my fears, She is there. As I continue to grow and challenge myself as an artist, She is there, more present in my life than ever.
